you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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