I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
