Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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