Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
