My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Say something about gay babies.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize