Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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