Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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