I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
