Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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