I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
