if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
