You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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