ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
