I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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