Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
