Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
