Porn is love you can see.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
