i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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