it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
