bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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