just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize