yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
