why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
How's work?
Spinning.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
