It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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