Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
