you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
