I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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