every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
