Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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