I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
