the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
