Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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