You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
