I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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