so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize