Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
