My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
dude. I can hear the air.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
