I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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