If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
