So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My vagina just clenched in fear
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