two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
