Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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