I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
