I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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