We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
