I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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