how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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