Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
