Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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