I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
