im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
