I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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