there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
