So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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