That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
