sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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