worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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