She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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