Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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